can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I wish you could order shots online.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
