You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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