i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
