Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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