i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We had to coat check the pizza.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
