I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
