he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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