dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
