I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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