So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
