Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
