I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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