I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
