theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
