Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Boobs speak an international language.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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