I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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