I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
