We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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