I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
