My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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