i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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