make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
