If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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