I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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