If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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