i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
