the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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