dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Randomize
