You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
