yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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