I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
