I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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