apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
