After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Sober January is a disaster.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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