I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
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