Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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