his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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