speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
its liver damage thursday
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize