I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
