She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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