A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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