Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
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