Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
