I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
