sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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