If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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