the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
