mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
