my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
