We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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