In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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