Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
