Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
