I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
