Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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